I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I think a kid would responsible me up
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
