1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
