i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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