I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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