I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
