people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
