The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
