Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
