So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
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Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
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I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
My bed smells like the plague
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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