just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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