Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
