I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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