I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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