Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
