So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
there was a trapeze. enough said
she smelled like a LAN party
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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