I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
