Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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