Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I puked a lego.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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