My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
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