yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Your penis caused this!
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
