everyone is single if you try hard enough
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
