OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I need moral support for this bender
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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