if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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