the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
