if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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