If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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