who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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