Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
