So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
