don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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