I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
