Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
