am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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