So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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