I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
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That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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