dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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