I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
