I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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