I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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