I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
