I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
