I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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