The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
someone owes me an orgasm
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Randomize
