You're so nebulous sometimes
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Randomize
