You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
