Swine flu. Run for my life!
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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