Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
