Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
