So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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