I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Farmville is her only friend.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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