the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
