But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
