Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
