I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
