who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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