i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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