my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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