I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
