Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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