Having a random hookup so left but love u
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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